What To Do When Your Elderly Parent Refuses Assisted Living

Growing older often comes with increased aches and pains, reduced mobility and greater difficulty managing daily tasks. Despite these challenges, many elderly parents are determined to maintain their independence. According to a survey, approximately 90% of the elderly wish to "age in place", staying in their current homes for at least the next 5-10 years. However, about two-thirds of older adults require assistance with at least one daily task. This creates a challenging situation when the desire for independence clashes with physical limitations. When your elderly parent refuses assisted living, it can be stressful and heart-wrenching. Knowing how to talk to your parent about assisted living is one thing, but tackling their resistance can be even more challenging.

Alter Your Approach

When your current tactics aren't working, it's time to switch strategies. Don't just repeat the same speech over and over. Some approaches that may work include:

• Give Your Loved One a Sense of Control: Instead of telling them what they "must" do, ask them to explore options with you. This can make them feel more involved and less controlled.
• Express Love and Concern: Share your feelings and concerns rather than showing fear and frustration. This can foster a more supportive atmosphere.
• Highlight the Benefits: Emphasize the positive aspects of a retirement community, such as increased independence, socialization opportunities and the ease of receiving help.

Additionally, consider seeking feedback from trusted individuals. They can provide insights into whether you are being too pushy or controlling, allowing you to adjust your approach effectively.

Back Off for a While

If gentle conversations haven't yielded results, consider giving your loved one some space. Feeling pressured can make an elderly parent feel like they are losing control over their life. Taking a step back for a few weeks can give them time to evaluate things and potentially realize on their own that they need the support a retirement community can offer.

Present Your Feelings

Having a strong relationship with your parent means they likely care about your feelings. Instead of focusing on their limitations, discuss your own emotions. For example:

• "I care deeply about your happiness, but assisting with your daily tasks is challenging my ability to be fully present for my children."
• "I'm feeling really worn out, and it seems like you're not very content either. I'm hoping to find a solution that benefits both of us."
• "I worry about you a lot because I love you a lot. I wish to find a way for you to stay independent, become more active and always be safe."

Avoid making them feel like a burden or being selfish. The objective is to present assisted living as a solution to your shared concerns.

Enlist Help from Others

Never estimate the power of the messenger. Sometimes a trusted figure can convey the message more effectively than you can. Consider involving:

• A Trusted Leader: Someone like a pastor whom your parents respect.
• A Physician: Doctors can emphasize the health risks of living alone and the benefits of professional care.
• Family Members: If your parent listens to a particular family member, ask them to help with the conversation.

If all else fails, a family intervention may be necessary. However, do so with caution to ensure it conveys concern rather than coercion.

Gradual Transition

If your parents are open to the idea but still hesitant, consider a gradual transition. They could start by spending a few days a week in an Assisted Living community, engaging with the activity calendar and getting to know the team and other residents. This slow introduction can make the idea of full-time assisted living less daunting.